Every Sunday I find myself debating on what time to go to church. By the time my day gets moving it is often too late to go and I know exactly why I continue to procrastinate. It is because of her.
When I was a kid, I liked church and CCD class. I was even an altar server. Church brought me a sense of peace. I loved the music and the readings. CCD was enjoyable too. After my confirmation, I continued to go sporadically because of sports and friends but every time I went I still found that peace I was searching for inside.
Going to a Catholic university made it easier to attend church on a weekly basis. The friends I made also went to church and we would usually go on Saturday evenings before going out for the night. Sharing that peace with others was nice.
After college, I continued to go for a while. Then, He took someone so important from me that I cannot forgive Him. This woman who had fought so hard for her life. This mother who had three small children that loved her so much. This woman who had a husband fighting just as hard as her. This woman who had a large family that loved her so much. This woman who taught me about God, country music, driving a stick shift, finding the right guy to spend the rest of your life with, the love of all things Disney, and so much more.
She was gone. I have tried so many times to forgive Him, but I just can’t. I can’t go to church even though she would want me to go every Sunday. I can’t go to the cemetery. I can’t talk straight when I see her kids or husband. I can’t talk about her without having tears in my eyes and dripping down my face.
When will it get easier? When will I be able to forgive? Why is this still so difficult after 12 years? Maybe I will go next week. Maybe not.