Every Sunday I find myself debating on what time to go to church. By the time my day gets moving it is often too late to go and I know exactly why I continue to procrastinate. It is because of her.
When I was a kid, I liked church and CCD class. I was even an altar server. Church brought me a sense of peace. I loved the music and the readings. CCD was enjoyable too. After my confirmation, I continued to go sporadically because of sports and friends but every time I went I still found that peace I was searching for inside.
Going to a Catholic university made it easier to attend church on a weekly basis. The friends I made also went to church and we would usually go on Saturday evenings before going out for the night. Sharing that peace with others was nice.
After college, I continued to go for a while. Then, He took someone so important from me that I cannot forgive Him. This woman who had fought so hard for her life. This mother who had three small children that loved her so much. This woman who had a husband fighting just as hard as her. This woman who had a large family that loved her so much. This woman who taught me about God, country music, driving a stick shift, finding the right guy to spend the rest of your life with, the love of all things Disney, and so much more.
She was gone. I have tried so many times to forgive Him, but I just can’t. I can’t go to church even though she would want me to go every Sunday. I can’t go to the cemetery. I can’t talk straight when I see her kids or husband. I can’t talk about her without having tears in my eyes and dripping down my face.
When will it get easier? When will I be able to forgive? Why is this still so difficult after 12 years? Maybe I will go next week. Maybe not.
Just a note about family 
Wonderful piece that had me in tears! I am currently writing a similar piece and needed to stop because of the emotion. Then your post is the first I read… Tears again. You will know when you are ready to go again and she will be sitting right next to you in the pew (after saving your spot of course)
Kelly – that was beautiful, so moving. I’m crying with you
Because of her… The power, the voice, the vulnerability in putting something so close to you
Kelly, that piece was so moving because you made it to the point and got your feelings across without having to add a lot of fluff, explanations, etc. I am sorry for your loss and sending you some peace and love.
Because of her, the power and vulnerability of putting something so close to you is truly what voice is all about. We can feel your emotions, your struggles, the internal debate – thank you for letting us read this.
I am so sorry for your incredible sense of loss. Each person is truly allowed to believe what s/he needs and wants to. When trying to make sense of someone’s passing away, I almost think that God doesn’t have a lot to do with it, other than ensuring that the person’s soul was here “on time” and “in time” to realize a greater purpose.
While we want more and could always use one more day, life is fragile and no one has a guarantee of anything; I think it’s part of the price we pay for being here. But think of the gifts we can bring to the world, no matter how long or short our stay is. Maybe it will help to think about why each person was here to begin with… you are sad because they were here for many reasons–among them, to touch your life.
I know loss, as well. You are grieving, and please allow yourself to do it. Maybe you can learn more about your own soul’s purpose(s) and spiritual beliefs along with way, coming out stronger somehow on the other side of the grief… This is meant to be a shoulder, not a judgment of any sort…
Kelly I have thought the same way many times. I didn’t feel like I needed to go to church after my dad died. The reality is you need to go! It actually helps heal the pain. Your piece was so emotional, but my advice would be to try your hardest to go to church!
Beautiful piece of writing-so much emotion in it. You’ve captivated your readers and brought them into your world.
Kelly, this is such an emotionally touching piece.”When will it get easier? When will I be able to forgive? Why is this still so difficult after 12 years? Maybe I will go next week. Maybe not.” Ending with inner dialogue that way really left me with a greater sense of your struggle.
I think many of us struggle with the able to go to church or not on Sundays these days. We are in a tough parenting spot of chaos vs church and you’ve listed the ways church runs deeper here. It’s more than an hour in gods house. Church and you have history, like any relationship. Great slice! Catholic guilt is the best isn’t it???
inner monologue, rather…
Such a moving piece on how difficult it is to understand loss. It is hard at times to feel connected when the loss is untimely and sudden. It made me think of my own relationship with church, and how it can be very love/hate….but something always draws me back, and I hope that you will feel that too.
I thought at first this would be about regular church procrastination. This is a beautifully written slice from the heart.
That is a tough spot to be in. I have a friend whose son died suddenly at the age of 13. I didn’t see her in churçh for a while. But eventually I saw her come back with the rest of her family. There were a lot of tears in church, but ultimately I think It was God who helped her and who helps the rest of us get through ridiculously hard times.
We may never know the true reason God makes the choices he does until we meet Him. At that time, everything will become crystal clear. In the meantime, He feels your pain and is with you. He will be there to comfort you when you are ready to return to Him.